What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 08:36
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was seconnd youngest,
He knew the spot.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It was going to be , some day.
I write beautiful poetry .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I have no regrets .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ive learnt so much.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Which fish tastes good for South Indian curries?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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She loved him until the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So whats the point in blame.
My family never makes their pension either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And i lived it daily.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
All the time i was locked up.
As i do to all so called friends.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is soul school!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I will be 64.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She wouldn,t have been !
What did i know ?
I waited trembling.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My life is so biszare .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Put me off passion for life!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We were not on the streets..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I don,t even have a pension.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I think the readers, may guess!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Would this be the day?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So, i spoilt her more .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She found it foreign!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was in good health!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it wasn’t much.
When she asked me how she looked .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I said to her
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was scared of men, in general
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But, we were locked up after school.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was very sick at this time too.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We all went to grammer schools